Member and moderator dispute

Recently, one of our members (who we will call Jane) became very upset with one of our moderators (who we will call Missy) for an action Missy took (in her personal life; it wasn't anything to do with moderating, but a decision she made in "real" life and decided to share with the community). Jane made some rather rude and snarly things in the Missy's thread, and it really upset Missy, but she just swept it aside and didn't let it get to her.

The other day, Jane posted a thread about her daughter's health issues (we are a very tight-knit community, so we are always sharing news of our personal lives and such), so as usual, everybody jumped in and wished their warm thoughts and wishes, etc. Missy, who used to be close friends with Jane (prior to the event mentioned above), also shared her warm wishes, wishing Jane's daughter well in her recovery and such. This seems to have ticked Jane off, so Jane sent Missy this PM:

Crude, eh?

This really upset Missy, who then sent me this PM:

This is obviously upsetting my moderator, so I need to do something to stand up for her. We (the staff team) are very close, so I believe something should be done, as Missy has requested. My question to you guys is: what? Banning/infractions are not options, as we just "don't do that" on my Linnie Forum.

How would you handle a member PMing a moderator, demanding them to stop posting in their threads? That's the main issue at hand.



I apologize if my post is hard to follow. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm not proofreading this time.

 

something along the lines of

sorry but logically all posts on the open board are there to be read and responded to by all members especially moderators as it is the nature of their job.
you just cannot reasonably expect to post for a selective audience or set of responses otherwise Joe Troll could post for everyone except moderators!!.
if you really have to talk only to a selective audience then that is what the PM facility is for


only a suggestion and you would probably have to "nice it up"

 

I agree with Paul. It's unreasonable to demand (how i took it) a particular person to refrain from participation in any capacity.

With these kinds of things, I might suggest that the staff send both people a PM to proactively work out their situation, given that its tight-knit, the options might be:

1. Request both take a cooloff period for some reasonable amount of days, for the benefit of not only them individually, but everyone else as well. It's quite stressful no matter what.

2. Force the above. (but not the greatest)

3. Get both people to work out their differences privately and positively, PMs, Emails, phone calls, etc.

4. Request the moderator to step away and take it on the chin, so to speak. As a white flag type thing and possible setting an example tone.


All I gotz at this late time...hope it works out Nick

 

hmm..I dont think the mod meant anything bad/harmfull by her post right? So maybe [said] person was havning a bad day.

I would prolly tell ur Mod to let it go, chill out, continue doing what shes doing. If it happens again then u know u have a problem.

tough one man....

 

In this particular case, I don't think a cooloff will do much of anything. Jane is the problem here -- not Missy. Jane is able to post just fine throughout the forum in other threads, offer advice, etc. -- but when Missy "gets in her way", the cannons go off.

I don't think Jane would go for this. A little background: Jane and Missy actually became friends through the forum, and since their newfound friendship on my website, they have met several times in person for lunch and for group events (i.e. visiting aviaries, bird fairs/expos, etc.). They were really close, and as you can see in Missy's PM, she really "loves" Jane.

But Jane can turn on you in a matter of seconds, and that's what happened. Missy made a personal decision that Jane didn't like, so now Jane is doing everything to ridden of Missy.

Normally I'm fine with this, but my moderator has personally approached me and asked me to do something about it. This is obviously really getting to her, and she is no longer comfortable performing her duties on the forum, and is now retracting into a state of hardly posting. This is not good, and it is my responsibility to ensure that she is comfortable and "safe" while on my forum.

See, the moderator did let it go, even though Jane's comments really hurt her. As you can see in her PM, Missy cried her eyes out with every rude comment Jane made in her thread. But she brushed it off and moved on.

A few days went by, then yesterday she got "slapped" with this rude PM from Jane, demanding her to stop posting in Jane's threads.

Jane wasn't just having a bad day. She is known to get very upset and passionate when things don't go her way. She always claims to get the shitty end of the stick because I always end up having to "reprimand" her (not really; it's just sending a PM explaining that her behaviors aren't appreciated), and has threatened to leave our group countless times.

 

I deal with a lot of personal snarkiness on my board. If it's brought to the board in the manner like you just described, Jane would receive a pm from me. Basically telling her that I don't care what's going on off the board, but it's not to be brought to the board.
I would also watch Jane closely for any snide comments in other posts. If that happened, I would give her another warning pm or an infraction.

Even though I would back Missy 100%, I would ask Missy to try and ignore her.

I just read your last post and Jane's history. If she gave me any more grief, it's quite possible she would be gone. To me, it's all about what's best for the board.

It's really hard sometimes........it's like the board cycles through pms together! LOL

 

That's what is most important to me, too. The thing is, in many ways, Jane is great for the board. Let's look at the bright side of her history: She has ~1,000 more posts than me (she is the second-highest all-time poster, right behind Missy); she is one of our very first members, and has stuck with us since the forum's conception in February 2008 -- so she's going on two years with us; so many members look up to her: she provides fantastic help, advice and resources for discussions related to our niche (lineolated parakeets). She is a breeder, which means she has a huge amount of knowledge to share, and she has established innumerable relationships with the members, whom she is now friends with outside of the forum.

She is like everybody's best friend, to put it simply. She has these times when she gets really upset, but usually with time she cools down. She is also very elderly, which makes us go easier on her. Every member knows by now that she gets upset easily, so we've learned to cope with it -- and it's all okay.

But as I said, she has strong relationships with just about every active member of the forum. If she was banned, or left by her own will, it would tear the community apart. Members will question my reasoning for ridding of her, and will no longer be as interested in the forum.
I realize that sounds like I'm not doing it just so that I don't have to face my users, but we are a different community -- we are close and friendly, and banning somebody is something we "just don't do."

 

tough call to make Nick, but based on all your inputs if i were to keep emotion aside i would try to work closely with the Mod since she seems more reasonable of the two than the other. In this situation you cant keep both happy, either one of them would need to back down...either the mod will need to live with this or the member will need to stop attacking the mod i guess ultimately the choice will be based on what satisfies the majority interest...the larger picture as folks say ...do let us know ultimately what decision you take if you are able to share..i for one would be very interested to see how this pans out...

cheers

 

Nick,

You've really got an admirable crew there. Super kudos to you really, just like your siggie.

What I read now with the extra information, my suggestion are agreeably not that practical. For me, the bottomline, along with boatswife in a way, is what is best for the board. But really, what is best for the people. It's our conduit, as we all know, to further interaction. For some...an addiction. lol

So I guess, if I were you, as I've had some similar cases in my area, is to be as personable and engaging with these people to remind them of their friendship, which is the bond that helps acceptance of the other (e.g., the life decision). To support eachother. Could there be some project they could work on together? Or something they could collaborate on with others. The only other option, and its really their choice, is for them to just avoid eachother like you've said your Mod has attempted, maybe she can really try the high road more if the other will not back down....since she is in her way of ways.

Hope that made sense and you are able to pick what you can out of it.

 

Then I guess you need to really talk to her. Maybe a 1 day suspension is the next step when she acts up like that.
You just can't have one person ruling your roost and dictating what happens. That affects everyone else on the board because they may be walking on eggshells around her so she doesn't get angry and retaliate at them.

Rock and the hard place! LOL